What i Deserve...

I have thought alot about this word, "Deserve" latly. What do i deserve? What do those around me deserve? Do we ever really get what we deserve? But most of all i have wondered why life has dealt me the hand it has. Now i do not mean to sound like i am complaining, far from that, i think i have a wonderful life with great friends and family. But sometimes it is so confusing especially feelings. I am 22, have been for about 2 weeks now and my life is on that upward climb that leads to marriage and family. I want to be a husband and father more than anything else in this world. It is my hope and my dream. But i can not achive such a lofty goal alone. I need someone by my side to help me along. But it is finding that person that is the real challnege. So many things need to be in place for it to happen. You have to be compatable, and you both have to be in the right stage of life and there are just so many factors that need to happen to make such a union succeed and to me that is scary. I mean how do you find such a person and then, what if you find them and let them go and then see them years later and you realize that things would have been fine but they are already happy and you missed your chance to be truly truly happy. That kind of thing only happens in a century, no matter what the story books say. But i think that fear is the enemy here. And it is so hard to to be afraid when it comes to being happy. Don't we all want to be happy? did not adam fall that man might be, and men are that we might have joy? Isn't that why we are here? To be happy! And it is my belief that you can never be truly happy until you are truly married. But...on the flip side, if you are never enough without something, you will never be enough with it. So if i am not enough in this life without a wife, or sculped muscles, or a million dollar movie contract, then how will i ever be enough with it? Maybe i am just not ready...maybe i still have alot of growing up to do...but no matter what i just don't know what i want... and what a jerk like me deserves...