A reminder...

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light 5
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face; 10
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow, 15
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

I did it again. I told myself i wouldn't, but i did. I fell in love with her. Yeah i know. I've been down this road once before. And i did what i did last time too. I paniced. I made excuses, saw the bad side of things, worried about things, made all or nothing judgements and then broke it off because i scared myself. I was too impatiant. Too impetious. Too... lots of things. But then i spent a few months without her. Thinking i was going to get over her. Move on. You know what i mean. But she is there when i close my eyes. She is there on the wind. The smell of her. The feel of her. She is there and i can't forget her no matter how hard i try. I try to find other girls. Nah, they don't have her raven tresses, her quiet manner that at one time drove me crazy. Her beautiful smile. So i let it go. Thinking it would fade. And then, this week. The unthinkable happened. She found someone else. I mean i knew it woudl happen eventually, i thought i was prepared... i was wrong. So i tried to be happy for her. Tried to make it all seem ok and fine and alright and sunshine and daffidiles. I can't anymore. Its proved itself to me. My heart screams at me. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL. and i ignored it. And more than likely. I am too late. She is gone and i've missed my chance. And that hurts. Oh it hurts. And it hurts that this was always there. ALWAYS, but i thought that i could let it slide. Let it go. But she was the one i wanted near me. She was the one i wanted to listen to my problems. She was the one i wanted to learn about and see and hear and smell. I can't take it i screamed at the heavens last night. Its what i did as i knelt down in my shabby dorm room and let it all gush out of me like a broken fauset. I begged heaven for help. For something. And Heaven answered through my cell phone. My mom woken from her sleep to call me, impressed by the Lord. and just then, she texted me. Telling me she had a feeling. Why would he send her that? Why would he tell her to text me to see if i am ok? Isn't she the reason i am crying out in pain? Yes, but i still love her. She is still the one i think about, the one i want to text at 3 am. Call when i have had a night mare. But i can't, i can't do it. Maybe thats my problem? Maybe i should have done that more often? Maybe i shoudl have told her about how my heart leaps, gripping the bars of my rib cage when i see her. How i see her on her "unpretty" days and she takes my breath away. About how her "too gummy" smile makes me love her all the more. How just one of her text messages, one of her glances, one of her hugs, her one touch on my hand, means more to me than a 18 wheeler full of i love yous.

I never could talk to this girl. Odd since i love her so much. we sit in silence alot. And its not something i like. But its more my fault than anything. I talked about me. Talked to her, not with her. She made me nervous, those light brown eyes. I never told her my stories. Told her all the wonderful things i wanted her to know. I was scared. Scared of her. Of what i was feeling. Of what it meant, and what i wanted it to mean. We were on different paths i thought. Perhaps we were. Perhaps not. It might have been an excuse, or i might have been afraid. Either way the Love did not go away. It just got stronger.

But, she found someone else recently. And i am afraid it might be too late. To late to tell her. Too late to let her know. Let her know that i don't care what anyone thinks. I don't care what i have to do. But i can be better for her. Because thats what she makes me want to be. She makes me want to be better at everything. Because she is watching me. And maybe i am wrong. Maybe i am just a kid who doesn't really know what love is, or what i am going to do. But i do want her to know. And then she can tell me. Tell me if i am too late or what. And knowing her quiet nature i am not sure if she would tell me. But i wish she would. I wish i could let her know just how much i care. I'll do better this time. I promise. I'll pick you flowers. Walk you home in the rain, carry your books, make you dinner, paint your room your favorite shade of yellow. i'll make you cards, learn the guitar just for you, i'll make you a video presentation, i'll sleep downtown to get you tickets for a concert, i'll do whatever, whenever. Because you make me want to be better. You make me want to catch the stars and put them on a keychain for you. I'll even learn to play Magic the Gathering, just for you.

But knowing her, this will all embarrass her. All these letters and these cliches. But i just wanted her to know. So mayeb she will read all of this. Its not polished, and its mostly cerebral vomit. But its how i feel.