I am 25 now...

its been over a year since i set fingertips to keyboard and wrote in my blog. A whole year of ups and downs and failures. I was 23 when i wrote that last post about the girl i fell for. I lost 12 pounds waiting for her to tell me if i had another shot with her after she found someone else. I waited a whole month after that post to see if she could find it in her heart to love me again. She did in the end, which started a year long relationship before she went to go and serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But i am 25 now and life continues to move forward. Which is a good thing!

A reminder...

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light 5
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face; 10
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow, 15
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

I did it again. I told myself i wouldn't, but i did. I fell in love with her. Yeah i know. I've been down this road once before. And i did what i did last time too. I paniced. I made excuses, saw the bad side of things, worried about things, made all or nothing judgements and then broke it off because i scared myself. I was too impatiant. Too impetious. Too... lots of things. But then i spent a few months without her. Thinking i was going to get over her. Move on. You know what i mean. But she is there when i close my eyes. She is there on the wind. The smell of her. The feel of her. She is there and i can't forget her no matter how hard i try. I try to find other girls. Nah, they don't have her raven tresses, her quiet manner that at one time drove me crazy. Her beautiful smile. So i let it go. Thinking it would fade. And then, this week. The unthinkable happened. She found someone else. I mean i knew it woudl happen eventually, i thought i was prepared... i was wrong. So i tried to be happy for her. Tried to make it all seem ok and fine and alright and sunshine and daffidiles. I can't anymore. Its proved itself to me. My heart screams at me. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL. and i ignored it. And more than likely. I am too late. She is gone and i've missed my chance. And that hurts. Oh it hurts. And it hurts that this was always there. ALWAYS, but i thought that i could let it slide. Let it go. But she was the one i wanted near me. She was the one i wanted to listen to my problems. She was the one i wanted to learn about and see and hear and smell. I can't take it i screamed at the heavens last night. Its what i did as i knelt down in my shabby dorm room and let it all gush out of me like a broken fauset. I begged heaven for help. For something. And Heaven answered through my cell phone. My mom woken from her sleep to call me, impressed by the Lord. and just then, she texted me. Telling me she had a feeling. Why would he send her that? Why would he tell her to text me to see if i am ok? Isn't she the reason i am crying out in pain? Yes, but i still love her. She is still the one i think about, the one i want to text at 3 am. Call when i have had a night mare. But i can't, i can't do it. Maybe thats my problem? Maybe i should have done that more often? Maybe i shoudl have told her about how my heart leaps, gripping the bars of my rib cage when i see her. How i see her on her "unpretty" days and she takes my breath away. About how her "too gummy" smile makes me love her all the more. How just one of her text messages, one of her glances, one of her hugs, her one touch on my hand, means more to me than a 18 wheeler full of i love yous.

I never could talk to this girl. Odd since i love her so much. we sit in silence alot. And its not something i like. But its more my fault than anything. I talked about me. Talked to her, not with her. She made me nervous, those light brown eyes. I never told her my stories. Told her all the wonderful things i wanted her to know. I was scared. Scared of her. Of what i was feeling. Of what it meant, and what i wanted it to mean. We were on different paths i thought. Perhaps we were. Perhaps not. It might have been an excuse, or i might have been afraid. Either way the Love did not go away. It just got stronger.

But, she found someone else recently. And i am afraid it might be too late. To late to tell her. Too late to let her know. Let her know that i don't care what anyone thinks. I don't care what i have to do. But i can be better for her. Because thats what she makes me want to be. She makes me want to be better at everything. Because she is watching me. And maybe i am wrong. Maybe i am just a kid who doesn't really know what love is, or what i am going to do. But i do want her to know. And then she can tell me. Tell me if i am too late or what. And knowing her quiet nature i am not sure if she would tell me. But i wish she would. I wish i could let her know just how much i care. I'll do better this time. I promise. I'll pick you flowers. Walk you home in the rain, carry your books, make you dinner, paint your room your favorite shade of yellow. i'll make you cards, learn the guitar just for you, i'll make you a video presentation, i'll sleep downtown to get you tickets for a concert, i'll do whatever, whenever. Because you make me want to be better. You make me want to catch the stars and put them on a keychain for you. I'll even learn to play Magic the Gathering, just for you.

But knowing her, this will all embarrass her. All these letters and these cliches. But i just wanted her to know. So mayeb she will read all of this. Its not polished, and its mostly cerebral vomit. But its how i feel.

Just like Last Night...

Its Midnight again,
Just like last night,
And the night before.
Where am i?
With you?…No?
Then where?
Alone again
Just like last night,
And the night before.

It’s raining again.
How can you tell?
I feel it. Feel it here.
Feel What?
The rain, water on the soul.
Its silent. Deathly still.
Drowning me again.
Just like last night,
And the night before.

I hear it.
Hear what?
It. You know…
The Emptiness.
It breaths.
I hear it again,
Just like last night,
And the night before.
And maybe, just maybe,
Tonight…it will take me.

Whew Doggie!

Been a while i know. Lots happened since my last post nearly a year ago. I was reading a few of my posts and i can't believe that i was at that point a year ago. But anyway, things are still happening, life is still going and time can't seem to slow down. But i will cope....somehow.

Rant Wall USA

Been a long time since i uploaded here. Couple of months to be exact...actually if you want to be exact it will be 4 months in a couple of hours. Sorry for the gap. Its been a busy summer and an even busier start of the semester. Lots has happened...and i am too lazy to talk about it here.
Mostly i just wanted to start up some kind of new record for this semester. Been learning lots of things...like how i am a doofus. Now its interesting how i have come to realize this. I originally did not think i was a doofus, i mean i am not joe cool or anything liek that an di have no illusions about that. But i figured i was a ok guy who was at least worth getting to know. Turns out that that is not the case in point. let me explain: I have tried to ask a few girls out this semester or at least drop hints that i might ask them out or something along those lines. I admit i never really asked most of them out because, lets face it, i'm a coward and i would rather stay that than write some girl a wussy note that asked her out in writing rather than face to face.
In these endevors i have tried to ask girls out but they all turn me down and what is even more amazing to me is that they don't even want to be friends with me, associate with me...look me in the face. Therefore, from scientific deduction i can assume two things, one: I am a doofus who is not attractive and not worth getting to know and two: i must aim too high.
Girls complain on this campus that no body asks them out. That they sit dateless on saturday nights in thier evening finest in hopes that some boe will call them. I say unto them...perhaps you are after the wrong guys. Anyway, i am just venting here. This has happened to me alot since i came home off my mission and its really frustrating especially with all the conflicting singles i get. Oh well. Until i figure it out i am just going to have to come to grips with the fact that I...Am...A...Doofus, a subspecies of male who no woman looks twice at and if they do the words "no way no how" seems to cross their minds, and regular guys laugh at. I guess its one of those Circle of Life kind of things. Well, i am off to do my reading for my classes tomorrow and study for my tests.

-Drew

in need of an update...and a topic to go with it...

My mind is a blank. I white marbel slab that is laid out before me like some kind of...white...marbel...slab. Really this blog post has nothing new to it and no real topic. Just kind of had this hankering to write something...and this pesky feeling that "someone" wanted me to update my blog. Its not like the world does not know all about my life anyway.
My time in Okinawa is coming to a close. School has ended for me. I subsatute taught at an Elem. School on Camp Kinser and Monday was my last day. So, after teaching kids for about a month i am once again unemployed. With that done now i can look forward to going back to Hawaii on the 18th to spend some time with friends and family before i head off to the USA for the summer and then finally back to hawaii in the fall for another year of classes.
My life is at a crossroads right now. There are so many things i want to do with my life and so many diffrent experiences i wish to have. But i am not sure what the Lord's plan for me is right now. So i guess thats is just one aspect of life that i will have to keep searching for.
Had a pretty fun night, i went to a Yaki niku resturant. That is, we cooked our food right in front of us and had tons of meat and rice. Too much for me actually. Actually i had lots to eat today. Too much in fact...bleh. But i guess that you have those days sometimes where you eat mroe than your fair share of food. Today was mine i guess. That just means more situps and running for me tomorrow and for the rest of this summer. Also went to the Spa by Sunset Beach today. Just sat and soaked in the hot tub for almost 2 hours. That was nice i can tell you that, and it was very japanese culturish. Which is always fun.
Anyway, it is getting late in my timezone and i got lots of errands i need to attend to on the marrow. So i bid you a goodnight.

What makes me mad....

I am not artist, by any stretch of anyones imagination. I like to draw, but i do not have the skill i wish i had. But the fact reamains that i do want to get better. I study alot of art, alot of pop art and comic book art and i have noticed this trend in the industry of making very busty women, with thin waits and large hips and dressing them in the most impractical outfits. Take your common fantasy comic. The hero walks in, dressed in full plate mail with a war hammer. In walks his sorceress friend/potential love interest. Now is she wearing cool armor or highly designed and detailed cloaks and robes like any self respecting mage would...no. She has a mini skirt, a haulter top and a very low neckline...and today is her modest day. It urks me off, not that i think that female skin is not attractive, on the countrary, but it gets to the point were it becomes completly imparctical. Women in pactically nothing with huge machine guns in a snow storm, how is that supposed to work? Or even be comfrotable for the woman? I respect the female body, and the choice of the artist to show it how they please. But it still makes me mad when they do such things. I think that it is degrading to women in general not to draw them, at least sometimes, in modest clothing that covers everything. And its not that i think that uncovered women are disgusting either. I just wish there was a little more respect in the comic business and that all of us with virgin eyes won't see to much.
Well that is my rant for today. Just letting off some steam after going through deviantart and my new art books i got. Well, i guess it is back to the drawing board.
Later.